What To Expect From Narcissistic Enablers During The Holidays
We’ve all been at that holiday party when a seemingly light-hearted conversation abruptly takes a turn. You were admiring your grandma’s pie recipe when suddenly she asks you about how things are going with your dad. You were looking over your uncle’s most recent photography when he casually throws out that your mom seemed upset when he asked about you earlier.
These conversations don’t happen by mistake. There are two main strategies used by narcissists to get people to rally around them.
Triangulation: When narcissists have a conflict with you, they’ll bring in a third party to try to resolve the problem. For example, if you offend your narcissistic mom by exposing something she finds embarrassing (let’s say she called you at work repeatedly until you answered), she might ask your dad to “talk to you” about how hurt she is. She will convince your dad to convince you to apologize to her.
Flying Monkeys: In the previous example, your dad is the flying monkey. Staying with this metaphor, your mom, (the narcissist) is the wicked witch of the west and you are Dorothy. Sometimes narcissists send out their flying monkeys deliberately, the way your mom did in the last example. But on a larger scale, narcissists tend to build an army of flying monkeys (enablers) over time. For example, your mom might eventually not even have to ask your dad to “talk to you” because he knows just by the fact that she is crying that he needs to convince you to apologize to her. In fact, he might not even have to see her crying. He may just hear from you that you stood up to her and decide that you need to apologize.
Why do they do this? People enable narcissists because they are afraid of narcissists. Your dad will ask you to apologize to your mom because he is afraid that if you don’t, she’ll take her rage out on him later. Now, he may be in denial about this being the case, but whether he is conscious of this information is irrelevant. His fear is understandable because most people are afraid of their narcissistic family members before they realize what’s going on. However, that doesn’t mean it’s your responsibility to sacrifice your own needs in order to keep the peace between yourself and the family members who enable. It’s also not your responsibility to educate enablers because people don’t accept this knowledge until they’re ready to become unattached to the narcissist. This information is for you to know so you can decide what you’re going to do when faced with an enabler.
So how do we cope with all of the people who seem committed to enabling narcissistic behavior? I’ll be covering this in the next blog in just a week! Sign up below for my newsletter to receive regular blog updates and freebies!
Do you need more support? I’m a Massachusetts therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. I use trauma-informed treatment including EMDR and IFS to help people heal from these types of relationships. Reach out to get started with a free consultation!