How To Handle Narcissistic Parents at Thanksgiving: Practical Tips for a Peaceful Holiday
Adult children of narcissistic parents typically dread Thanksgiving. It’s a time when narcissistic parents are at their worst, and it brings up awful childhood memories of being ignored, unloved, and punished for just being a kid. Feeling anxious about Thanksgiving can also be very isolating because most people don’t associate negativity with the holidays. Friends and co-workers usually don’t believe their experiences of going home to food, family, and fun isn’t the same experience for everyone. Still, it’s important to prepare for narcissistic parents to use the holiday season as an opportunity to make everything about themselves. They will increase behaviors like…
Control: Requesting to know where and when you’re staying during Thanksgiving. Asking if you can arrive any earlier. Checking what food you plan to bring and asking whether you can bring an extra dish to save them the hassle. Prying to see if you know anything about how that one cousin is doing who they got in an argument with last Thanksgiving.
Manipulation: Asking you to please talk to that one cousin they’re in a fight with. Expecting you to see the argument from your parent’s side and how the cousin was really just misinterpreting what they said, and how, in fact, the cousin is being very close-minded for not being able to see your parent’s point of view.
Gaslighting: Asking if you’re not feeling very well after you refuse to get in the middle of the argument. Telling you that you don’t seem like yourself and expressing their “surprise” that you’d turn your back on the only parent you have. Wondering where they went wrong as a parent to raise a child who doesn’t love them.
If you’re reading this during an election year, you’ll get a bonus of the narcissistic parent dangling bait to talk about politics. You might hear “I hope you don’t judge me based on who I voted for” or “I still love you even though we disagree on politics.”
We need a plan for these moments! Something that helps you be unsurprised and unbothered by your parent. If you want mindset and communication tools that will help you actually get through Thanksgiving without the stress, try some of these out:
Set Your Expectations: Most people want to give the benefit of the doubt to others, which is a helpful worldview towards anyone who isn’t a narcissist. With narcissists, hoping for the best is what makes us feel so betrayed when they let us down. Rather than hoping your narcissistic dad will change, choose to expect that he won’t. Expect him to start an argument, tell inappropriate jokes, or maybe even drink himself into a rage. Whatever it is that he normally does, is what he will do at Thanksgiving. If he doesn’t, then that will be a wonderful surprise for you. The goal, however, is to be unsurprised when he acts the same as he always does. The acceptance of these behaviors also allows us to plan for them…
Set Boundaries Beforehand: People with narcissistic parents benefit from setting boundaries prior to the interaction or event. Some people set a “time boundary”. For example, planning to show up at a specific time and visiting for no more than two hours. Others might set a boundary about what constitutes enough reason to leave. This may look like saying to yourself, “If my narcissistic mom asks me a third time about my divorce, I’ll just leave.” It could also be planning to leave if you feel like you’re at a 5 out of 10 on the anger scale (where 10 is the most furious you can imagine). You don’t need to communicate these boundaries with your narcissistic parent because they won’t listen. If anything, they will identify the boundary as exactly the thing they need to disrespect in order to get a reaction out of you.
Exit Strategy: This is basically just a really strong boundary, but it’s often overlooked because people mostly don’t consider themselves truly able to use an exit strategy. My clients will often say, “How am I going to leave the Thanksgiving party if things get bad? I’ll be stuck in Arizona!” The truth for most people is you’re not stuck. Many places have taxis or Ubers that you can call if you need to get out of there. Renting a car wherever you go for Thanksgiving allows you to have a mode of transportation to leave. Having a trusted family member who can drive you away from Thanksgiving can be helpful as well. Booking your own hotel or accommodation apart from the narcissistic parent allows you to distance yourself if you need space from them. Planning an exit strategy without explaining your plans to the narcissist is crucial to feeling in control of your time and energy at these types of family gatherings.
Don’t Go To Thanksgiving: This one doesn’t need a lot of explanation, but it’s worth remembering that you are not obligated to go anywhere as an adult. You can go where you want when you please, and that fact is widely accepted in normal, healthy relationships. If you have a hard time believing this or are fearful of the consequences of not attending Thanksgiving, you are not alone. Most people start off setting boundaries with parents by doing it while afraid. Maybe you are scared of how it will affect the relationship, but if you’re reading this, it seems like the relationship you currently have with your parent isn’t working for you. Maybe there are some financial ties you need to break before you would be able to really stop going to Thanksgiving. That’s okay! It’s good to identify that obstacle so you can work toward overcoming it. Maybe you need to sort through more of the emotional parts of your childhood with a therapist before you can commit to that decision. That’s also a great place to start!
Need more support with a narcissistic parent? I specialize in helping therapy clients who are struggling with narcissistic relationships. I use trauma-informed therapy approaches including IFS and EMDR to help my clients get to the root of their issues, while offering strategies to build better boundaries in the present. Reach out for a free consultation!