How To Deal With Narcissistic Enablers During The Holidays
In the last blog we discussed how narcissists build a network of enablers through triangulation and the use of flying monkeys. Now let’s talk about what you can actually do when faced with an enabler. How you proceed very much depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with the person enabling the narcissist. There is no one “right way” to do this because everyone has different relationships and different boundaries. What’s most important is to know your values and do the best you can in the moment to stay true to those! There are two main options:
Communicate Boundaries: If you don’t really care about the relationship with the enabler, you can communicate clear boundaries, like, “It’s not my responsibility to apologize for telling other people mom kept calling me at work until I picked up. If she’s embarrassed by that behavior, then she can reflect on whether or not she wants to continue doing it. I won’t be keeping secrets for her.” You can also decide to go with something simpler. For example, if an enabling mom asks you to take a week off to visit during the holidays, you can say, “No, thanks!” and not explain why. However, neither of these options tends to work with an enabler who you want to maintain a relationship with because they are both inflammatory. Enablers are loyal to the narcissist. If met with an ultimatum, they will choose the narcissist over you. Narcissists and enablers believe their problems are others’ responsibility to solve, and they don’t have the emotional maturity to consider that they may have to fix their own issues. They also don’t have the awareness to consider that others think and feel differently about personal responsibility. They will likely either continue crossing your boundaries or start telling everyone how victimized they are by your boundaries.
Internal Boundaries: If you want to set boundaries with an enabler, and you’re not ready to call the relationship, this is what I recommend… Build an awareness of typical enabler behaviors so you know how to respond. There is a very clear, repetitive pattern to how enablers act in social situations. They are hyper-aware of the needs of the narcissist and are often working overtime to make sure they keep the peace between the narcissist and everyone else. Enablers also believe it is the responsibility of others to help them with their issues, so they’ll turn to you to help mitigate the destructive patterns of the narcissistic person. For your own peace of mind, you need to have a plan for this before you even arrive to the gathering. Plan what time you will arrive and leave. Plan for examples of behavior that will be your cue to go outside for air or leave entirely. Plan how much stress you can tolerate from 0-10 before it’s time to go. Plan vague responses for when your hear critiques or passive aggressive comments, like how disappointed your narcissistic dad is that your “burnout” sister didn’t make it to Thanksgiving (again). Before you get angry and defensive, you’ll know to say, “That’s interesting” or “Thanks for sharing” or “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” This puts space between you and the reactive thing you want to say. You’ll be tempted to say something like, “By “burnout”, are you referring to the alcoholism that she inherited directly from dad?” Trust me, I know it’ll probably feel like a great zinger in the moment, but these are the things people feel guilty about later in therapy. These are the things people come to therapy exhausted from because they’re sick of letting the enabler get to them. Internal boundaries take a lot of effort prior to an interaction with an enabler, but they allow you to create policies so that you don’t find yourself scrambling for what to do when you’re in the moment.
Narcissists come with enablers. If you have a narcissist in the family, it’s guaranteed that they will be protected by enablers during the holidays. You can’t do anything to change this, but you can choose how you will act when the holidays arrive. Learning how to do this is a process. You may not want to subject yourself, your partner, or your kids to any of this behavior. You may have some capacity for these relationships and be willing to stay at the holiday party for a few hours and then leave. You may just be in the beginning stages of considering if boundaries are right for you. If you need more support with how to manage narcissistic relationships during the holidays, snag my free guide. If you’re seeking therapy, I’m a licensed trauma therapist who can help you set boundaries and get to the root of the trauma you’ve experienced with narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships. Schedule a free intro call! Sign up for my newsletter below to receive more additional tips, blogs, and freebies!