How Do I Know If I’ve Experienced Narcissistic Trauma?

Some people have very specific definitions of the words “narcissist” and “trauma” in their mind. More often than not, they are picturing the narcissist as a malignant, cruel bully who abuses others with no sense of self-awareness. People also often only associate trauma with experiences like fighting in a war or a childhood house burning down. But you might be surprised to know that not all narcissists look the same… and if you have been in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, you have probably experienced trauma.

Common signs that you’ve been affected are if you feel constantly mistreated by someone who should be loving towards you. If there is someone in your life who will never be happy - no matter what you do for the relationship. Someone who makes you feel lonely even when you are with them for long periods of time. Someone who makes you feel small, worthless, and isolated from your friends and family.

Trauma can be hard to identify because it can often go unseen. If you are made to feel insignificant or inadequate, that is emotional abuse. If you are called dramatic, sensitive, or stupid, that’s verbal abuse. It is not normal for someone who loves you to yell at you after you’ve made honest mistakes. These behaviors start to feel normalized after we spend too long around them, which is why we have such a difficult time identifying when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist or if we’ve experienced trauma. Below are 5 common narcissistic behaviors that may help you identify if you are being affected by a narcissistic relationship:

Gaslighting: The narcissist manipulates you into questioning your own sense of reality and whether you hold non-sensical beliefs or expectations.

Example: “I didn’t say anything about how you look in that dress. You’re crazy!”

Triangulation: When two people are in conflict and the narcissist pulls in a 3rd party in an attempt to change the dynamic or situation in their favor.

Example: “Let’s ask your mom if I ever treated you kids any differently. Go ahead, honey, tell them I’ve always done my best as a father.”

Splitting: A narcissist views most people as “all good” or “all bad”. If they cannot view a person as “all good” they conclude that the person is “all bad” or unimportant.

Example: “Well, my co-worker isn’t as talented as I am, so I don’t need to earn his respect. I have more important people to talk to.”

Hoovering: Hoover means vacuum. This term typically refers to the time period after you’ve pulled away from the narcissist, and the narcissist attempts to “suck you in” again.

Example: A “u up?” text message after 2 months of no contact.

Love-bombing: Narcissists give excessive attention, compliments, or gifts, but then leverage this affection later on to make you feel dependent on them or as if you are obligated to them.

Example: Following a conflict - compliments, performative apologies, and gifts show up in excess, which ends abruptly as soon as you accept the narcissist’s apology.

I offer therapy to people who are affected by narcissistic relationships. I use trauma-informed approaches including EMDR, IFS, and CBT to help clients move through these relationships and find their way to healing. Reach out for a free consultation to get started!