Are You A Millennial With A Narcissistic Parent? Here’s What You Need To Know.
Millennials as a generation seem to be the most aware of narcissism as the cause of strain in their child-parent relationship. So many millennials are tied to a narcissistic parent by issues like: financial dependence, cultural norms, people-pleasing tendencies, fear of retaliation, religious beliefs, fear that the parent can’t cope without them, or pressure from the family to keep the peace.
But what do millennials deal with that is different from other generations? Millennials were the first generation to be met with very little hope for a stable future. We have lived with “unprecedented” world events since we were born. Columbine. 9/11. The 2008 crash. Swine Flu. Trump. COVID. The capitol insurrection. We send each other memes to feel better, but the truth is we’re mostly burnt out and have no more fucks to give.
Narcissistic parents, on the other hand, believe that all the fucks must be given, primarily by their adult children. Narcissistic parents think their children should bend over backwards to meet their needs. When we don’t, narcissistic parents often lose their shit or guilt-trip us for being “ungrateful.” Millennials can see that this is problematic! However, what we often don’t see, is any hope for change. We have a lifetime of experience to tell us that bad things never change. Unprecedented events seem to happen approximately every 3-4 years. So when we see a parent behaving irrationally, we just assume it’s normal for them and never going to change. In some ways, this is accurate, because it’s reasonable to assume a narcissist cannot change. What’s unreasonable is our lack of belief in our ability to do anything to improve our own lives given these circumstances. That’s where we get stuck. So here’s how to start healing from these toxic relationships.
Boundaries: People often confuse this for making demands of the narcissist, but boundaries have nothing to do with changing others behaviors and everything to do with standing up for your own needs. Boundaries are how you will choose to behave should you feel that your needs are not being met. For instance, let’s say your narcissistic dad shows up to dinner at a restaurant and tells you halfway through that he’s sick with COVID. You can just leave. Your boundary is that you won’t hang out with anyone who has COVID because you don’t want to get sick. What he does with that information isn’t your problem.
Recognize You Have Agency: Even if you can’t cut the narcissist off entirely, you are not their servant. You’re an adult. If your plans inconvenience the narcissist, they’re going to have to figure out how to emotionally regulate without you. If having boundaries makes them angry, let them be angry.
Stop Saving Narcissists From The Consequences Of Their Own Actions: Narcissists often make really harmful choices that affect everyone around them. This can be especially true in family circumstances. Adult children of narcissists often find themselves cleaning up after the damage that’s been done in family relationships. For example, if your narcissistic mom criticizes your cousin about his weight, you might find yourself saying something like “she didn’t mean it” or “don’t listen to her” to rectify the relationship… this is kind, but it’s not your job. Your narcissistic mom is responsible for apologizing when she’s being judgmental. She could have chosen to just be nice in the first place! But she doesn’t… and that’s not your problem.
I help adult children of narcissists heal from these relationships through trauma-informed therapy like EMDR! Reach out for a free intro call to get started on your healing journey!