How Bigots Should Be Treated In Therapy

Photo By: Håkon Grimstad on Unsplash

Here’s the thing, there’s a difference between individuals who show up to therapy ready to address internalized bigotry and individuals who show up wanting validation for their discriminatory beliefs and behaviors.

If a client is ready to challenge their internalized racism, homophobia, sexism, etc... it’s obvious. They label the problem. They usually feel some sense of shame and are looking for a brave space to work through it. These are people who can really improve if they put the work in and I’m willing to support them.

If a client jokes about or makes slurs against any individual based on their membership to a particular group, they’re not ready and I won’t work with them. It’s truly that simple. Since starting my practice, no client who has presented this way has gotten further than the first session because it’s undeniably the wrong fit and it wouldn’t be therapy.

“But, Danielle, aren’t therapists supposed to validate everyone?”

Hell no!

Therapists are human too and we have our own belief systems. My belief is that no one should be judged or mistreated on the basis of their gender, skin color, sexual orientation, age, religion, socioeconomic status, or mental/physical abilities. If I appease clients who make prejudiced comments, then I am not aligned with my truth. If I’m not aligned with my truth, how the hell am I supposed to help you align with yours?

But I’m here to talk about the sticky middle ground. The people who have good intentions and bad impact. The people who are aware of their bigotry and want to change their behaviors for the better. That’s where I can help as a therapist.

Let’s start with some things I don’t do:

1. I don’t affirm when a client says something bigoted.

This can be as simple as refraining from a head nod or a “mm hm.” It can also be more complex, like saying “I don’t get it” instead of laughing at a racist joke. I don’t affirm because our brains are wired for connection. If I don’t show affirmation, a client becomes aware that I’m disconnected from what they’re saying. That can create enough tension to cause them to become aware of the impact of their words.

2. I don’t let the client redirect too quickly if they feel tension.

I might say, “Let’s circle back, I want to make sure I’m hearing you correctly...” Then I repeat word for word what they said to me. This is an example of mirroring and it’s a common technique used in therapy to help clients self-reflect.

3. I don’t let it slide.

This is the easiest pitfall for most therapists because a lot of us are recovering people pleasers and want our clients to feel good about themselves. To be completely honest, I’m still working on it every day. However, something that helps me not sweep it under the rug is thinking about the ripple effect it will cause to people I love who will absolutely be affected by me (and other therapists) not saying anything. A client may be as well-intentioned as Jesus Christ or Buddha but at the end of the day, it’s my job to call out maladaptive behaviors and attune people to the affect they have on others.

Here’s what I do instead:

1. The “Help Me Understand” Technique

When a client uses intolerant language, I say, “help me understand what you mean by that”. It is typically impossible for someone to rationalize the use of that language and I’ve found that this impossibility leads to a couple of insights. First of all, if my client is white, I am modeling to them (as another white person) that it’s not okay to speak against marginalized communities just because they are not in the room. Second, I help the person understand that their background is likely rooted in environments where that type of language is tolerated, but the way forward is to unlearn their comfortability with that rhetoric.

2. Educate. (Content Heads Up! Fatal Effects of Bigotry)

There’s a ton of misinformation out there, so it’s no surprise to me that some individuals really don’t know the facts about the damaging effects of bigotry. People die from the misinformation being spread and the more marginalized a persons identity is, the greater the risk is that a person will be in physical harm or danger. A client who is working on their internalized bigotry will want to be informed of their impact and use that information to create positive change.

3. Name It.

This one is direct and reserved for when a lot of trust has been built with a client. However, if I think the therapist-client relationship can withstand some “tough love” I might say something like, “I’m surprised to hear that coming from you” or “hmm, I feel like that statement doesn’t really align with who I know you to be.” This one is particularly challenging because I have to let the client know I’m questioning their words because I know they can do better rather than questioning their words because I’m questioning their character. An individual who can separate their behaviors from their sense of self will benefit from this type of intervention.

I write all of this knowing that I’m making mistakes and will be learning how to improve this skill until the day I die. The point isn’t to be perfect, the point is to keep trying to do better. (And to take accountability when I mess it up.)  I wrote this blog after reading the recent news that Texas AG Ken Paxton has declared all forms of gender-affirming care for trans youth child abuse.

Gender-affirming care is not abuse.

Coming out as a transperson is vulnerable. It’s beautiful. It’s someone growing into the truest version of themself.

This declaration, however, is abuse.

As a mental health professional, it’s my job to advocate for marginalized populations in any way I can. I wrote this as a way of helping other mental health professionals show up for the task. It is so hard in this profession to respond to bigotry. We have to know ourselves. Know our own values. Show up to sessions wholeheartedly and have the hard conversations. I consider this part of the job. I actually consider this one of the most impactful and important parts of the job. Therapists are on the ground floor and have an unbelievably privileged opportunity to make some of the most lasting positive changes on an individual level. What do you plan to do with your impact? Share in the comments below!