The Secret To Finding The Love Of Your Life

Photo By: El Salanzo on Unsplash

Okay, I know this is cheesy and probably not what you want to hear, but many universal truths are both corny and hard to swallow. Here’s the thing, I firmly believe that loving yourself is the most important thing you can learn how to do before getting into a relationship with the right partner. It takes two people who feel a sense of self-fulfillment independent of one another to create a working relationship.

When this doesn’t happen, one person in the relationship can depend on the other to sustain their happiness. Sometimes both partners are depending on each other for this. This happens when we confuse lovers for the answers to our problems. It creates a codependency that is inherently unsustainable and the culprit behind many break ups.

What does this mean for single people?

So, you’re on the dating apps or maybe you’re talking to someone in real life. You feel pretty confident that you like this person. Inevitably, this thought pops into your head:

“I wonder if this person likes me back.”

And here’s where things can get really sticky friends, because the way you respond to this question is everything.

If you can imagine the possibility that this person does not feel about you the same way you feel about them, and still feel a sense of wholeness, then you’re golden.

But maybe, you don’t feel so confident. Perhaps you ask yourself questions, like...

“But why don’t they like me?”

“Is something wrong with me?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said or done that thing...”

These thoughts indicate that you may be struggling with your self-worth when it comes to dating, and if so...we need to talk.

When we feel defective, broken, or as if something is wrong with us it creates a gaping hole inside of us. Some people try to fill that hole with alcohol or sugar. Others might try to fill that hole by controlling their eating habits or productivity. And sometimes we try to fill that hole with external validation from a loving partner.

I cannot stress this point strongly enough: No person will ever validate you enough to fill the hole inside of you. Trying to make this work isn’t fair to your partner and it isn’t fair to yourself.

This doesn’t mean a partner can’t be helpful. Having support from loved ones is important. But there is a big difference between someone who supports you working on yourself and someone who you expect to fix your problems. The latter can manifest in several different ways.

Some people stay in relationships long past the expiration date because they would rather stay with someone who mistreats them than be alone and have to feel the looming sense of unworthiness. Others stay in the dating pool because the idea of working on their self-worth is much more painful than distracting themselves with the attention of another person.

Maybe the concept of healing before starting to date feels foreign. Maybe it makes you feel angry, uncomfortable, or upset (which is okay!). Going to therapy or coaching, understanding the source of your self-limiting beliefs, and learning how to feel a sense of worthiness is the best way to set yourself up for your dream relationship.

And here’s the kicker, healing yourself has to be something you are doing for YOU. You can’t heal yourself for the sole purpose of finding a partner. People who do this are repeating the cycle by allowing the mere idea of partnership to fill the hole. Remember, this is for YOU.

Once you are able to gain some sense of worthiness, you start to see dating in an entirely new light. You start to look for relationships that are mutually loving. You create boundaries with people who mistreat you or make you feel less than your full, beautiful, true self. You drop the insecurities about having done enough or having been enough.

There is nothing like the freedom and joy that comes from a relationship where two independent, self-actualized people can rely on each other for support and love. This is a completely possible reality if you are willing to do the work. If you have a love like this, share your journey in the comments! If you are unsure where to start your journey, I highly recommend looking for a counselor on TherapyDen.

This has been your reflection on the energy of the week. I am a licensed psychotherapist who likes science and spirituality. Tune in next week for new insights!