How To Let Go of Control
Photo By: María Ten on Unsplash
To want control is human. Control gives us a sense of safety, power, and independence in so many circumstances. But there are moments when this gets taken too far. We all know the people who end up...
Guarding what is “theirs” at any cost.
Choosing to carry entire burdens alone because no one else can do things “right”.
Becoming hypervigilant that a threat to their control can occur at any moment.
Being able to let go of control is a really hard and scary thing to do. When we imagine losing control, we often fear losing a sense of certainty or power which helps us feel safe and stable. We may also fear losing our connection to others if we let go of controlling other people’s emotions or behaviors. There may even be some sense that something would be wrong with us to let go of that “responsibility”.
But when we take a step back, are any of these fears entirely true? Is our safety truly lost if we give up our power? Is our connection to others weakened by feeling a lack of control over them?
Trauma can make these things feel true, but that is very different from the wider perspective.
Take Darth Vader for example (yes, we’re going there). Darth Vader AKA Anakin Skywalker endured several traumas throughout his life before (and after) becoming a Jedi apprentice. Due largely to his traumatic history, Anakin felt a loss of his sense of control. He was freed from slavery at nine years old, and had no understanding of what it meant to be independent. His sense of personal power was already compromised when he learned that he would be separated from his mother for an indefinite amount of time as part of his apprenticeship. This represents a loss of safety, or being able to count on a primary attachment figure for support and stability.
Suffice it to say, Anakin could have done with some coping skills and emotional regulation tools. Alas, he had no one to talk to because he kept being told “control your mind” and “control your emotions” without being told how. Anakin eventually spun out of control, became the leader of The Empire, and was responsible for incomprehensible mass murder.
Many of us can empathize with Anakin Skywalker because we know how it feels to go through trauma and lose a sense of control. But logically, we can’t align with the actions of Darth Vader because we know he crosses a line and takes it too far. But this isn’t a sci-fi movie, this is real life. So the point is... where is your line?
Are you constantly worried about up-and-comers at work trying to take your job?
Are you more obsessed with being right in an argument than being kind to your partner?
Are you so constantly afraid that you sleep with one eye open in case of a threat?
These are obviously unsustainable, but the truth is, they are just a few examples of very common trauma responses. Only you can accurately assess what has become too much in your own life. Change that is outside of our control is one of the key things we have to accept when letting go. This is not about toxic positivity, or, sweeping things under the rug. Rather than saying “it’s fine” and repressing our fears, we need to acknowledge that “it may or may not be fine” and trust we will be able to handle whatever comes our way. Otherwise, there may be a Death Star in our future.
If you are not fine and would like to get okay with the unpredictability of life, I highly recommend seeing a therapist. Like so many others, you can manage the “not fine”-ness of life, but it takes work. Check out Therapy Den to find a counselor in your area who can help with letting go of control.
What helpful tools have you found for letting go of control? Let us know in the comments!
This has been your reflection on the energy of the week. I am a licensed psychotherapist who likes science and spirituality. Tune in next week for new insights!