If You Grew Up in a Rich Family with a Narcissistic Parent
“I secretly think if I grew up rich, I don’t have a right to call my parents abusive.”
“My parents can’t have neglected me because they provided me with everything I needed, right?”
“There was always food, we lived in a nice house, and they gave me whatever I asked for or needed...”
These are the thought patterns I hear over and over from my clients who have narcissistic parents, but grew up in rich families.
Let’s be clear. Yes, people who grow up in wealthy families are more privileged than people who didn’t. Growing up in a rich family with narcissistic parents has benefits over growing up in a poor or middle-class family with narcissistic parents.
But growing up with a narcissistic parent sucks period.
So I’m writing this directly to the adult children of rich, narcissistic parents. Because you deal with a unique brand of guilt about your resentment toward your parents. There’s a spectrum here:
At one end are those who became financially independent. Maybe you cut financial ties with your parent and you don’t take anything from them. This thankfully comes with the benefits of being free from dependence on your parents, but it also often results in your narcissistic parent resenting you for not needing them.
At the other end are people who are totally dependent on their parents for money. Maybe you still live at home or your parents pay for school, gas, or groceries. This can be useful in feeling like you have a safety net of support to rely on, but it also means feeling like you’re somewhat reliant on the narcissistic parent who holds the purse strings.
Wherever you are in the spectrum, you probably experience:
Guilt about feeling anger toward your parents who were able to provide every resource you needed and could have asked for.
Social pressure that you should feel gratitude toward your parents, because not everyone is so lucky to be born into wealth.
Resentment towards your parents who, despite being rich, have never offered you emotional support, taken accountability or apologized when they’ve hurt you, or shown interest in getting to know you authentically as an adult.
You feel like you have to choose one or the other. Just be grateful and deal with it or just be angry and cut the cord. My friends...
Two things can be true at the same time!
You can feel gratitude that you don’t have student debt AND you can feel resentful that your parents redirect the conversation when you start to talk about your mental health.
You can feel gratitude that your parents set you up with investments when you were a child AND you can feel resentful that your parent completely shuts down or freezes you out when you try to set a healthy boundary.
You can feel gratitude that your parent was able to provide you with an abundance of resources AND you can feel resentful that your parents might as well be the upper management to your entry-level position. You’ve never really met them, but you know they sign your checks.
It’s really hard to make lasting peace between these conflicting emotions inside of you when you’ve lived so long with them battling against each other. Tools like radical acceptance and self-exploration can really help with the healing process. The support of community who shares your experiences and can listen to you without judgment is unparalleled. Signing up for individual and group therapy are great ways to get started!
I’m a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. I offer individual and group therapy virtually and in-person in Massachusetts. Reach out for a free intro call!