5 Strategies To Block A Narcissist
When I first meet with clients, many of them feel like the situation is completely hopeless with their narcissistic parent, partner, friend, colleague, etc. They’ve asked the narcissist to understand their perspective, pled with the narcissist to take accountability, and kept secrets from the narcissist so they don’t get angry. So, understandably, most people ask: Can a narcissist change? The answer is… for the most part, no.
Narcissism is a personality trait, which is typically pretty set in stone. To give you an understanding, let’s look at a different personality trait. I’m an introvert. Big group gatherings drain my energy. I prefer staying home to going out. I like to spend most of my time alone or in 1:1 interactions at the most. If someone asked me whether I could change into an extrovert, I’d be completely unable to do so. It’s not my default setting to enjoy the presence of many people at once, my battery is not energized by high-stimulation activities or settings. Narcissism works the same way. They are energized by attention, validation, and control. If you were to ask a narcissist whether they might enjoy not being the center of attention, or perhaps, passing the mic to others…. well, if you’re reading this I bet you could imagine what would happen. While there isn’t a way to change a narcissist’s behavior, there are reliable ways to change your own behavior in order to better manage interactions with a narcissist.
✨ Grey Rocking: The idea here is to become as dull as a grey rock. Let’s say your narcissistic mother makes a complaint, like “you never call me” while actively on the phone with you. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. Don’t apologize. Those things are what the narcissist wants you to do. Don’t take the bait. It will never end in you feeling better. All you need to do is is respond with a value-neutral statement that that offers as minimal emotional expression as possible. For example, they say “well, look who’s crazy now” and you say “hm” and nod as if you’ve just heard an interesting theory and then change the subject or end the conversation.
✨ Keep a List: This means writing down negative interactions after they’ve happened so you can remember exactly what you’ve been feeling. Most people dealing with a narcissist are so flooded with criticism, gaslighting, and manipulation that they feel foggy-brained. It’s not uncommon that while in the midst of the turmoil, they can’t remember some events that happened less than a week ago. Even after a break up or a cutting of ties, it’s typical for people to forget most of the experience. This happens because narcissistic relationships are inherently traumatizing. Our brains are wired to help us forget trauma as a way of protecting us. However, as someone who personally went through a narcissistic relationship and didn’t keep a list, I can honestly say I wish I did. It would be helpful to remember more of the events that happened. It isn’t supposed to be used for keeping score or used as ammunition toward the narcissist. That will just increase your own feelings of bitterness and resentment. This tool is for you to keep track of what you’re feeling in the relationship and help you figure out how to move forward. It’s also a great reference when you inevitably self-gaslight and feel like you might be overreacting about how bad the situation is with the narcissist.
✨ Don’t Explain: You will never be able to explain something to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. People make the mistake of believing that narcissists think like other people do. Empathetic people care about others. So when they learn they’ve done something to hurt someone, they want to take accountability and apologize or make it up to the other person. Narcissists are too self-involved for any of this. Identifying and believing they’ve done something wrong is a huge shame trigger to narcissists. They are not conscious of this spiral, but they think to themselves, “I can’t have done anything wrong because that would mean I’m a hurtful person. I’m not a hurtful person, so the real problem must be this other person’s perspective about me or the situation. I have to convince them that this is the truth because I cannot fathom or face the idea that I am a harmful person.” Do you see all the distorted narratives? That shame might as well be a brick wall because nobody is getting past it.
✨ Boundaries: Boundaries are what you will do to get your needs met. It’s never about changing the other persons behavior. For example, this is not a boundary: “Mom, you need to find a therapist before the next time we talk.” That’s about how your narcissistic mom needs to change. Boundaries are about how YOU are going to change given that your mom is likely to stay the same. A healthy boundary sounds more like, “I’m going to leave because I feel disrespected by the way you’re speaking to me.” The other hurdle with boundaries is sticking to them. This takes a lot of practice. For so long, so many of us have had no boundaries whatsoever with narcissistic people. So the practice of stating a boundary is just the start. Maintaining a boundary is even harder, but it’s so important to do because if you don’t maintain you boundaries, the narcissistic person has no reason to take you seriously.
✨ Cutting Contact: I’ve never met a person who took this step impulsively. Cutting contact happens after years and agony and trying to make it work and realizing nothing will ever be enough. Cutting contact isn’t always possible depending on the circumstances either. (Can you imagine having shared custody of a child with a narcissistic ex?) But if you have the ability to cut ties and want to, I’m more than supportive of this because you only have one life. You deserve to spend it without being plagued by a person who causes you so much pain and trauma. I would highly recommend preparing for this step with a trained professional. It’s not uncommon for narcissists to start smear campaigns (turning your loved ones against you), to flood you with texts, calls, emails, or in some cases make threats or take legal action. It can feel like torture, so it’s very important to have a supportive community, strong coping skills, and a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse to help!
If you’d like more support with a narcissistic relationship, this is my specialty! I see clients in person and via telehealth in Boston, MA. I’m currently accepting new clients. Reach out for a free intro call!