4 Simple Tools For Hard Conversations

Photo Credit: Christina @ wocintechchat on Unsplash

Ever wondered how your therapist knows what to say? In all relationships, we sometimes have difficult conversations in which we don’t know how to respond. Therapists use a really great tool called OARS that provides us with options. OARS is an acronym that stands for the following:

Open-ended questions

Affirmations

Reflections

Summaries

            Let’s use an example. Rita goes to therapy because drinking has caused turmoil in her relationships with friends and family. She tells her therapist that she knows something has to change, but she does not want to stop drinking. Here are examples of how I would use each of the OARS:

Open-ended question: What would change look like for you?

Affirmation: I think it’s really brave of you to acknowledge that you don’t want things to stay this way.

Reflection: I hear that you don’t want to stop drinking and that you also want things to change.

Summary: I want to make sure I’m understanding you fully. Things are really hard at work and in your relationships. You mentioned that you don’t feel ready to stop drinking, but you want things to change. So our work here is to figure out exactly what can and cannot change?

            This example is placed in a therapists office, but if Rita was your best friend/partner/parent – you could use these tools as well. Here are some of the defining traits of each of the OARS:

Open-ended questions: The question will likely start with “Who,” “What,” Where,” “When,” or “How”. (Avoid asking why! It can sound like you are blaming someone for their actions.) The idea is to get the other person talking a bit more in-depth than a simple yes-or-no answer.

Affirmation: Point out the other person’s strengths relevant to your conversation. (In other words, don’t say you love the new haircut after someone has opened a really deep subject).

Reflection: This is a validating way of creating a mirror effect by telling the person exactly what they told you. Use their words or paraphrase with your own words. Both approaches work!

Summaries: This is often most helpful when the other person has told you a lot of information or at the end of a conversation. It’s a way to bring the pieces together and make sure you’re both on the same page in understanding what’s going on.

            It took me months of learning how to use these tools at my first job at the National Eating Disorders Association helpline before I could quickly put them to use. It takes practice and patience, but will no doubt improve your ability to have vulnerable, hard conversations. Below is another example to practice with on your own.

            Cameron is experiencing depression almost every day. He is often fatigued and concerned about his recent weight gain. He finds it difficult to stay interested in his work or to concentrate on the task at hand. He has felt this way since he was a teenager, but has never really opened up to anyone before now. He comes to you, his best friend, for support. How do you respond?

Open-Ended Question:

Affirmation:

Reflection:

Summary:

Did this blog fix all your problems? Darn. Let’s talk! I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice and would love to meet you for a free 30 minute consultation.