Talking About Problems Will Not Make Them Worse
Photo Credit: Sasha Freemind on Unsplash
People are pretty good at suppressing pain. In fact, when we feel threatened at all, our brains go into “fight or flight” mode. In fight mode, we try to overcome the threat by bullying it, abusing it, or crushing it out of existence. In flight mode, we hide from the threat by avoiding it, pretending it doesn’t exist, or staying silent about it. Unfortunately, neither of these methods are very helpful because problems are like weeds. You can chop them off, but they’ll keep coming back. You can pretend they don’t exist, but they will still be there. When confronting weeds, you have to acknowledge that you’re facing a problem that needs specific prevention and intervention techniques to manage it effectively.
So how do we start? As they say in AA meetings: The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one. In trauma therapy, we use a technique known as mindfulness to gain awareness of the problems we encounter. We look within and listen to our thoughts and feelings. Another way to access our innermost thoughts and feelings is through art forms like writing and drawing. I would posit that this step is the most difficult, most crucial, and most overlooked. It’s extremely hard to acknowledge our thoughts and feelings, especially when they are ugly, embarrassing, shameful, or painful. Unfortunately, there is no workaround to this step. The only way out is through, so take it at your own pace.
Once we have solidified exactly what we are thinking and feeling regarding the problem, we can create strategies to confront the problem. Here is an example:
John Doe is a young man who drinks alcohol to numb his pain. He is a trauma survivor who experienced severe abuse by his father growing up. When he drinks, he feels comfortable and relaxed. He doesn’t have to think about the memories of his father.
Just with these few bits of information, we learn that drinking alcohol is not necessarily the problem. It might be a problematic behavior, but the underlying issue is the trauma that John has experienced. Until he addresses this trauma and the effects of it, John is figuratively chopping the weeds off through his alcohol use.
Following this example, John engages in guided mindfulness exercises and finds that he is feeling fearful and unsafe. He frequently relives the memories of his father’s abuse and his thoughts are often linked to having an escape plan or whether he can trust people. He has a limiting belief that he is a burden to others. Drinking has become a method to alleviate these thoughts and feelings.
In my experience, the limiting belief tends to be the hardest and most helpful thing. Realizing that there is an underlying belief you have created about yourself based on your trauma is a hefty moment. It changes everything because shining a light on the belief depletes it of its power. Identifying the problem makes it tangible and manageable. You can heal because you finally know what you are healing from. How you choose to cope will completely depend on what your limiting belief is and what strategies you feel comfortable using.
For example, John might turn to his friends and family for support. He might choose to cut back or stop his drinking. He might start going to weekly therapy or engage in more self-care activities. He might need to have a conversation with his father, or he might need to cut ties. He may do a combination of these or he may find other ways to heal. Healing is so tailored to each individual and it’s really beneficial to work with a professional who can help guide those decisions.
Lastly, it’s important to note that acknowledging and identifying a problem is not easy. The idea that “talking about a problem will make it worse” is a valid fear. It will be difficult, but it will also be freeing. It’s worth it to do this work because the alternative is to live every day not knowing why we feel painful emotions and engaging in potentially damaging behaviors to compensate. Find the weeds. Don’t wait until they leave the rest of the garden to starve. Treat them properly and help the garden thrive.
Did this blog fix all your problems? Darn. Let’s talk! I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice and would love to meet you for a free 30 minute consultation.